Why do kids get so stressed about sport and how can parents help?

This can be a hard concept to grasp as an adult because the answer concerns the nature of being a child.  Though we were all children, we move on and put it behind us.  Relating to children is not easy to do without letting go of adult concerns.  To understand what worries a child we need to think like one.

What is a child’s favourite thing?  PlayStation, cricket bat, McDonalds?  Nope it’s not a thing, it’s a hug.  Why is a hug the most important and rewarding thing for a child?  Because it satisfies the greatest and most important need: safety or security.  A hug makes everyone feel good regardless of age, but it is essential to a child.  The closeness of a parent allows a child to feel safe enough to step out and give things a go.  There is an adult version of this – our partner.  The connection is a little less obvious, but the effect is still profound. 

Sport is threatening.  The ancient part of our brains that is responsible for fight or flight lights up like a Christmas tree when we compete.  How we cope depends in part on learned skills and behaviours but mostly on whether we feel safe.  Team sports create that effect to a limited extent; good teammates are warm and welcoming, and we can also ‘hide’ in the team.  Individual sports have no such safety net.  You’re out there on your own.

There is a line of thinking among adults and parents that we need to let our children stand on their own feet to teach them resilience.  Research shows us that the opposite is true (an excellent book that details this research can be found in the link below).  Resilience is multifaceted but fundamentally the willingness to engage in potentially stressful situations happens when we feel safe enough to do so.  That feeling of safety, for children, comes from the bond they have with their parents and loved ones.  Children who feel ‘safe’ are far more likely to take the very risks we hope isolation will teach them to take.

There are some simple ideas that parents can apply with their children to help them cope with the inherent stress of sport:

·       Hug them before and after.  Tell them how impressed you are that they’re competing and that the result simply isn’t important to you.  It will be important to them, and your feelings one way or the other provides no material benefit to their chances.  They will win, lose, or draw irrespective of how you feel about it.  What they ‘need’ to know is that you feel the same about them regardless

·       Let them raise any topic they want to and discuss it as they see fit.  Don’t try to control their thoughts for them.  Share your points of view as it seems appropriate but keep your emotions under control and let them lead the discussion.  They need to talk for their own purposes

·       You can’t be coach and parent, regardless of how well you understand sport, and your job as parent is infinitely more important

·       Children are clever, intuitive and want to move forward.  They are the most efficient learning machine we have ever discovered provided conditions facilitate it.  Trust this and be patient

·       Let them make their own decisions.  Provide them with critical information and useful perspectives but they must own their decisions if they are to become independent people who make good choices

Attached, by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller