How do parents navigate alcohol with teens?

The safe amount, the challenge of adult consumption, and where it leaves us

I write this as a parent of a twenty-something year old and a not quite fifteen-year-old.  Both are smart, independent young women who have made all the normal mistakes.  I’m on my second go round raising a teen and it’s only on this second spin that I’m really beginning to comprehend the nature of the challenge for them and for us as parents. 

Children use alcohol for the same reason adults do.  They like the warm glow, and it’s socially desirable.  There is an issue for them straight off the bat, however, which is that they have little self-awareness.  They simply don’t know what’s happening and where it’s leading.  They have little or no experience with which to counter the lowering of inhibitions and self-control.  One drink leads to the next.  Children depend on familiarity and intuition to keep themselves safe, and the loss of situational control makes them incredibly vulnerable.  The immaturity of their bodies is a second level of vulnerability.  My girls Mum made an excellent point in conversation about drinking recently.  She pointed out that the problem with a small amount of alcohol for a child is not just the physical effect but the effect on decision making.  It was spot on, as any parent who has observed children drinking can attest to.  They don’t have a stop button in the way an adult hopefully learns.  For this reason alone, the safe amount of alcohol for a child can only be nil.

In a recent radio discussion with a child psychologist discussing the challenges of parenting teenage children who wish to drink alcohol two ideas stood out for me: a zero-tolerance, uncompromising or ‘do as you’re told’ approach is very likely to cause resentment and rebellion; and the idea that we can socialise or model our children into safe, mature drinking behaviours is deluded.  Excessive drinking is commonplace in NZ, just as it is in many Western nations.  The lesson our children learn from us is not how to drink in moderation but how to drink to excess.  Continuity of heavy drinking over many generations confirms this.

Put together, we have a big challenge guiding our children with alcohol consumption if as parents we are essentially asking them not to behave like we do.  If you’re one of a small number of families with low or no alcohol consumption, then you’re off to an excellent start.  As far as the recommendations by the child psychologist is concerned, one principle stands out for me: work together on the challenge and accept that your children will have to make their own decisions.  You won’t be there.  Let them know that you understand this.  Empowering them with the knowledge that they will have to decide for themselves opens the communication channel.  The next recommendation that I have is the importance of explaining the various challenges and issues to them.  Bring it out in the open.  As a parent, you’re in an excellent position to share your experiences and what you’ve learned.  This at least provides something for them to reflect on after the fact.  How did I feel?  How was my thinking and behaviour changed? 

The big lesson I have learned from my journey as a parent who drinks is that I haven’t been an effective role model for responsible drinking.  I am also far more aware second time around how complex the social network of significant others is.  Other parents play an important role through the expectations created imposed on our children by their significant friends. 

Our children sit at the centre of a dynamic set of influences over which they have little control.  Asking them to show more maturity than we demonstrate ourselves is also fruitless and hypocritical.  The best advice that I have is to see the process as shared journey and to embark together.  Your journey alongside theirs.  With an open communication channel, there is an opportunity to reflect together on the experiences and to agree on sensible choices.  Beyond that, it’s up to them to decide what role they want alcohol to play in their lives.

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